Submission in marriage. What it is and what it is not.

I write this blog to clear some misconceptions about submission in marriage, what it is and what it is not. Especially in Nigeria.

In the Nigerian society today, the term submission is always confused with some cruel things that are not related to it.

what is submission?

Submission is all about surrendering , yielding or conceding to a person’s wish or desire. In marriage it is an act freely made, not forced or cajoled, but freely made as a show of respect.

Furthermore, Submission in marriage is not servitude, as in slavery.  It is not compliance (because you are not forced). It is purely done out of love and more especially, respect. It is simply conceding to a man’s leadership in the home.

Frankly, submission is the best and easiest way to a man’s heart. Once you submit to your husband you already have his “mumu button”. You can ask him anything and he would do it for you.

Is submission just for christians?

I am not writing this from a religious perspective. After all, marriage and submission existed long before religion; Pagans used gifts to pay dowry. Wives were taught to obey their husband and all that, but that’s a topic for another day.

I have weighed the concept of submission from different religions. and have found that it will be ignorant not to point out that it works for marriages. My parents have been married for more than 30 years because of my mother’s submission.

However, there is one thing. Submission does not work with an abusive partner.

It simply won’t work because, abusers never have enough, they keep wanting more, and this creates room for a potentially abusive marriage .

An abusive partner would feed on your submission, twist the whole idea and turn it into servitude.

In marriage,  submission works both ways. A submissive wife expects love and care in return. She expects to be respected, protected and cared for by her husband.

submission in marriage, what it is and what it is not 

Submission is being obedient to your husband , listening to him when he wants to confide in you and really being there for him.

It does not include obeying your husband when he warns you never to visit or talk to any member of your family again.

More so,  It is not listening to him when he is verbally abusing you and your family.

submission when you are scolded

Again,  Submission in marriage is keeping your cool when you are being scolded – don’t talk back!

When a loving husband scolds you, his voice is not supposed to reflect outrage, unless what you did was outrageous .

Regrettably, it is not keeping your cool when you are being scolded in a public place . Where everyone could hear your husband scolding you.

taking care of the family

I’ll  add that Submission is attending to your husband. Seeing that he is well fed and looks clean.

It is giving him the idea and feeling that he is in his home and should be well cared for as the head of the family.

submission is about responsibility

When he wants you to do something for him, you don’t blurt out , “no! do it yourself!”. You simply reply with “okay love”! . But If you are not ready to do it just then, you could say “I’m in the kitchen, can you wait a little while longer?”.

A loving husband knows when to handle some things by himself.  when he finds out you are engaged at that moment, what he does is handle that chore himself.

Furthermore, it is not running helter-skelter to attend to your husband because if you don’t, he would get angry and beat you up, or stop eating your food for weeks.

As a wife,  Submission is putting your home in order. If you are a housewife, then you know that your house should be clean and organized.

The kids should look clean and well taken care of. A delicious meal should always be available. Husbands love to come back to a “home, sweet home” in a clean home with a delicious meal that will be served with respect.

This is not about doing these things when you are sick and can barely walk.

I know a man who doesn’t care if his wife is dying or not. she goes to the market under the rain. Even when she is down with a cold to make sure there is food in the house. If not, the husband goes to eat in a restaurant, leaving her hungry and unattended to.

taking care of yourself

More so, it is looking nice for your husband. Making sure you smell nice, wear clean clothes and put your hair in order. Submission is not stealing clothes to look good for your husband just because he doesn’t provide those for you.

You don’t need to go out of your way to please someone who doesn’t care about your welfare.

leadership and rulership effects on submission in marriage

Of a truth,  submission is following your husband’s lead. It is about letting him be the leader. He tells you what he wants to change in the family, both of you discuss it and make a decision together.

Here, instead of telling him outright that his plan is nonsense, you help him find a better approach to that same plan. This is why you are his help meet.

Submission is not about him being the ruler instead of the leader. It is not about him making a decree like; this is how it is going to be from now on.

It is not about not being able to know his whereabouts. You don’t know where is going, when he is coming and you can’t ask where he is coming from.

What about asking for something?

Listen, Submission is knowing how and when to ask your husband for something. Every wife knows her husband and knows when to chip in “sweetie, I need this or that”. Submission is knowing that nagging would get you little or nothing from your husband.

Mind you,  Submission is not the inability to ask your husband for something so he doesn’t get angry.

It  does not mean keeping quiet even when you know you have a pressing need. Mind you, an unloving partner would try to manipulate you with the word “nagging” so you don’t ask for anything , be careful.

Like I mentioned earlier, submission does not work with an abusive partner. If you are in a relationship where you are not neglected or abused, where you are loved and cared for, then nourish it and be submissive.

Men love attention, give your man lots of it. But when a man does not want your attention. He tries to be the ruler instead of a leader, when he neglects , abuses and oppresses you with his “rulership”. when you seem to be the only one doing all the loving. It is time to get out of that marriage because it will only get worse.

In conclusion

submission in marriage should come straight from the heart. Do not be pressured into what you cannot naturally do.

A healthy marriage is one where submission and love works hand in hand ;

  • you laugh with, and not at each other;
  • you feel, say, and believe that you love one another;
  • you truly respect one another;
  • you communicate freely with each other;
  • you are close to one another, even in hard times.
what else do you think submission should be and should not? lets hear your views below.

Juliet added :

It is never a man’s job to enforce submission in marriage :

A husband is the leader in the family. But a submissive woman does so out of love. Also to repay her husband for loving her. if you have to force to your wife to submit to you, then you have failed at your job of loving her.




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